I want to spend my vacation in the hospital

I sincerely wish that a medically induced coma was a vacation option. I’m sure there are all kinds of ethics violations for the medical industry there, but I really think they should look into coma-tourism. I’m as big a fan of the beach as the next person (maybe even more) but even in this most relaxing of places, my day to day anxieties exist; I’m just willfully and actively deferring them for a couple of days. Which means that even laying in the sun with the sand in my toes, my to-do list is still lurking on the periphery. Because I’m conscious.

Now, I’ve never been in a coma – medically induced or otherwise – but I imagine there’s not a lot on your mind. Your brain actually gets a break from thinking, dealing, and coping with day to day life. When we are stressed, even if we are managing it well and certainly if we’re not, there are stress chemicals released by the brain that have all kinds of ill effects on the body. The continuous onslaught of hormones that occur with chronic stress can really screw up your body and lead to all kinds of serious health problems like heart attacks, etc. But, notwithstanding the chronic diseases, the exhaustion is the thing that’s most urgently pressing for me at the moment. I am SO. DAMN. TIRED.

Naps are my favorite, I love the guilty pleasure of laying down in my bed and closing my eyes knowing that the rest of the world is buzzing around doing work-y things and I’m indulging of the luxury of going unconscious. It’s truly a treat of the highest order. Now imagine that – but for a WHOLE week! (Or at least a few days.) Just think of how refreshed and chipper you would feel after a 168 hour nap?! Yes, please. Sign me up!

So, what I’m proposing is just taking napping to another level – like Inception deep sleep but with less falling and killing. If you could be in a coma on demand for an entire week, your body would be so rested just from the sleep, you would feel like Jell-O (in a good way.) But, even better than the sleep, we would be escaping the constant stress hormones we generate when we worry or are generally conscious, which are synonyms in my case. You could potentially reset to some normal baseline like a detox or a cleanse of stress hormones. Hell, while you’re out you might as well have them do a juice cleanse on you too because those things suck and what better use of your unconscious time than to check out and wake up ten pounds lighter with a squeaky-clean colon? I wonder if I could get insurance to pay for that?

Now, to all you pragmatic people out there enumerating all the reasons why this is totally realistically unfeasible and probably not even medically sound, please look at yourself in a mirror and repeat “I need to loosen up,” at least 10 times. It’s a metaphor. Unless it is actually medically sound reasoning, and in that case, please contact me to set up a consultation immediately.


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